new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
