I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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