My first STD was from a foam party
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
