So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
