so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
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a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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