Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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