For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
