is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
