I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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