He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
