Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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