the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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