dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
