she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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