dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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