the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
