I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize