This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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