I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
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I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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