I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
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i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
don't judge my taste in strippers
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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