Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
