if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
