It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
ttyl tear gas
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Randomize
