So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize