After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
