Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
