wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
