i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
