a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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