Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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