He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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