I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
