Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
