I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
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I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
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I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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