Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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