I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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