The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
