I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
