I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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