I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
So vagazzling was a success
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
