i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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