We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
how does that bad decision feel?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
