I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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