ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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