margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm at about main and main street
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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