I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize