he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
