So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
