sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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