My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
