It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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