I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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